Ellie and I were both a wreck again today. It's frustrating when it takes me days to figure out where something went wrong. I think in this case it's probably the carrot juice we introduced yesterday. I'm not sure if it was "too detoxifying" or if it was simply too much sugar too soon. But Ellie was a cranky, needy mess all day today - telling me her tummy hurt over and over - and is now refusing to go to sleep once again. (Ian took over baby duty - thank God for that.)
Last night bedtime took 2.5 hours and before I rip all my hair out and run away from home I have to remind myself that it used to be like that every single night of the week and that overall, things have been better than those bad old days lately. I lost my temper with Ellie this morning (yelling at a young child who is hurting makes me feel like a serious jerk) - which is an indication to me that the juice is a problem because of the sugar.
Setbacks like this are so incredibly hard. I feel so defeated when I'm dedicating every ounce of my energy to feed us the right foods and to get something wrong that was supposed to be just fine. Ian is questioning that GAPS is the right choice and feels that in general Ellie has been doing worse on GAPS. I'm not far behind him. But the trouble is that we've both read the book and we know that GAPS Syndrome fits Ellie to the T. We've tried every other diet and therapy that made any possible sense and we ended up here because it is - for lack of a kinder term - the end of the road for us.
Eliminations diets and the GAPS diet are a constantly shifting picture and I am making adjustments almost every day. What happens if we take the carrot juice out? What happens if I pull the egg yolks? Did it make a difference that the stock was made out of tap water rather than filtered? Is it really possible for 2 Tbsp. of carrot juice to make a person this sick? Did she eat too much fat today? Not enough? Was the yogurt not really a problem? Even though Dr. Natasha says practically everybody can tolerate sauerkraut juice, what if Ellie can't? If she can't have kraut juice or yogurt - what probiotic can she have? These are the thoughts that spin around my head all day and all night long. It's a puzzle I've been trying to piece together since we discovered she was intolerant to dairy and soy a year ago (followed by many more foods). Why is my child still sick? Will I ever get her healthy? Why can't she just "grow out of" her allergies and reflux like her doctors said she would? Questions that nobody has the answers to ... but that I can't keep from asking.